Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
