She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
