It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
