I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
