I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
