I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
