Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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