Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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