and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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