I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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