So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
