New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
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