New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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