The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
