he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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