dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
