he told me I talked like a deaf person
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
