I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
