Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
