just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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