Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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