i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
