The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
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She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
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In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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