i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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