I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
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