College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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