I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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