my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
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