Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
