I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
