i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
