He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
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