i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
