I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
