I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
