I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
