Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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