Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
