I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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