her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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