Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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