I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
