It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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