can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
