just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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