thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
as a side note pls kill me
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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