Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
