Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
