its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
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I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
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You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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