69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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