I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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